


Imaginary

by KristenElizabeth



Series: The Ever After [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Character Death, Child Death, Cute Kids, Divorce, Fluff and Angst, Force Ghost Ben Solo, Force Ghost(s), Force-Sensitive Poe Dameron, Jedi, Making Love, Pregnancy, Sex, Sexy Times
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:27:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22870102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KristenElizabeth/pseuds/KristenElizabeth
Summary: Everything changed for Bria Bey Dameron on the day her brother was born.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Rey
Series: The Ever After [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1626385
Comments: 30
Kudos: 54





	1. Four and a half years old

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Characters contained within do not belong to me.
> 
> Notes: A little bit different, so I hope you enjoy!

****

  
Precious and fragile things  
Need special handling

  
\- Precious, Depeche Mode

  
****

  
Her name was Bria Bey Dameron and she was four and a half years old. 

  
Grownups always laughed when she said that, but the half year was really important. After all, she was almost five. 

  
She lived on a planet called Coruscant in an apartment so high up that she wasn't allowed to be on the balcony or the landing pad alone, but if she sat at the force field and looked out, she could wave to the ships as they passed by. Sometimes people would even wave back. 

  
Her daddy was a senator and while she didn't really understand what he did, he worked in a massive building that he sometimes took her to see. She loved those trips; sitting in his lap, he would show her all the controls that made the speeder fly. Daddy loved flying and Bria couldn't wait to be big enough to learn, too. 

  
Mommy worked, too, but Bria didn't really know exactly what she did. Mommy said she was a teacher. Daddy said she was a master. Bria once heard someone call Mommy a Jedi, whatever that was. Bria didn't really care. Mommy had amazing powers; she could make things float and she always knew what Bria was upset about, even if Bria didn't know herself.

  
Her daddy and her mommy loved each other very much. That was how, they had told Bria, a baby had come to be growing in Mommy's belly. 

  
Bria wasn't sure how she felt about being a big sister, but Daddy had explained that the baby, her brother, would need her help and would look up to her as he got bigger and that seemed like a pretty important job. 

  
It took forever for the baby to come. For a long time, Mommy didn't look any different, but she did get tired easily and even sick sometimes. But she still picked Bria up and played games with her like hide and go seek and the breathing game. She and Mommy would sit on the floor, their legs crossed and eyes closed while they took deep breaths and released them slowly. It was hard to sit so still some days, but Bria would have done anything to make Mommy happy. 

  
Bria didn't realize Mommy's body was changing until she tried to climb up onto her lap one day. 

  
"Careful, Bria," Mommy said, touching her belly as Bria sat on her knee. It was only then that Bria noticed how round it had gotten under her loose shirt. "Put your hand here." 

  
Frowning, Bria let Mommy put her hand right on the strange bump. After a moment, something moved under her palm. She looked up at Mommy only to find smiling her beautiful smile. "That's your brother," she said. "Just a few more months and you'll get to meet him." 

  
A few months might as well have been a few years. The only really good thing was that her Grandpa came to stay with them when Mommy's belly got so big that she stopped going to work. 

  
Grandpa Kes lived on another planet, but he visited often and whenever he did, he would always bring Bria a present. But Bria liked his stories best of of all--he would tell her all about the adventures he'd had when her Daddy was little. It was weird to think of Daddy being little, but Grandpa had shown her pictures. She looked a bit like Daddy, with her curly dark hair, but her face was much more like Mommy's. 

  
There were no pictures of Mommy when she was little and Grandpa Kes was the only grandpa she had. Mommy didn't have a family of her own. 

  
But she did have a best friend and Finn was one of Bria's favorite people. He and his wife, Rose, didn't come to Coruscant very often, but when they did, it was so much fun because they always brought their daughter, Safie, who was just a year younger than Bria. It was nice not to be littlest person. 

  
Everything changed for Bria Bey Dameron, four and half years old, on the day her brother was born.

  
****

  
Bria woke up in the middle of the night to the sounds of voices outside her bedroom door. The room was dark; it wasn't time to get up, but people were awake. Even for grownups, this was strange. 

  
Tiptoeing to the door, she was about to open it when it suddenly opened on its own. She might have screamed if Grandpa Kes hadn't been on the other side. 

  
"Baby girl," he said, surprised. "Did we wake you?" 

  
Nodding, Bria flew to him, plastering herself against his leg until he picked her up and set her in the crook of his arm. "Why's everyone up?" she asked, rubbing her eye. 

  
"Well...your mommy's...the baby is..." Grandpa seemed upset about something. "The baby is ready to be born," he finally said. "But he's a little early." 

  
From somewhere in the apartment, she could hear someone cry out. It was Mommy, she realized. Nothing else so far had really scared Bria, but Mommy was strong. Mommy wasn't afraid of anything. But Mommy was upset. And that was enough to make Bria start to cry. 

  
"Hey, baby girl." Grandpa kissed her head. "Don't cry; everything is going to be fine."

  
"Mommy...I want Mommy!" 

  
Just then, she felt someone lift her out of Grandpa's arms. Daddy. Throwing her arms around his neck, she buried her face there. 

  
"I'll take her in," Daddy said to Grandpa. "Rey wants to see her before we leave." 

  
Bria lifted her head and sniffed. "Where are you going, Daddy?" 

  
As he carried her to his and Mommy's room, Daddy said, "Grandpa told you the baby is coming?" She nodded. "Well, the baby and Mommy need help, so I'm going to take them to the medical centre."

  
"Is Mommy sick?" 

  
"No, but having a baby is a lot of work," he said, brushing her tangled hair off her face. "And it hurts, so that's why Mommy's in pain, okay?" 

  
Bria nodded as Daddy carried her into the bedroom. Mommy was sitting up in bed, her eyes closed, taking deep breaths. Still, she knew when they entered the room. She always knew when Bria moved during the breathing game. 

  
BB-8, the best droid in the entire universe and Bria's best friend, sat next to the bed; he beeped at Bria, but she only understood "hello." She was still learning how droids spoke. 

  
Mommy opened her eyes and smiled, but her smile wasn't as beautiful as usual. "Bria, come here, sweetie." Daddy put her down onto the bed and Bria crawled against Mommy's side. "Don't be scared," Mommy said, holding her tightly. "Everything will be fine."

  
"I'm not scared," Bria lied, her voice muffled as she nestled closer to Mommy.

  
"That's because you're very brave," Mommy whispered, putting her cheek on Bria's head. She held onto Bria for a long moment, before finally lifting her head. "Poe..."

  
Suddenly, Daddy scooped Bria up. She tried to fight him, to get back to Mommy, but when she twisted her head back, she could see Mommy holding her belly, her face scrunched up, her teeth clenched. 

  
Daddy handed her to Grandpa after giving her a hug and a kiss. "Grandpa will tuck you into bed, Bria. Be good and try to go back to sleep, okay?" 

  
"Daddy, don't go!" 

  
For a moment, she thought he might stay. He ran his hand through his hair and down his beard like he always did when he was thinking about something, but then he kissed her forehead again and said to Grandpa, "I'll keep you posted." 

  
Grandpa held her as she screamed and cried herself to sleep. 

  
****

  
Mommy and Daddy weren't back when she woke again. The sun was out and Grandpa was making pancakes for breakfast, but they were still gone. 

  
While Grandpa was in the kitchen, Bria sat in the wide, open living room, playing with her toy X-wing. Usually she loved running around the room, bouncing between low sofas and chairs as she made the model ship fly through the air. 

  
But not that day. She wanted to scream. She wanted to kick her legs and scream until Mommy and Daddy came home. 

  
"Stupid brother!" As she shouted, she hurled the X-wing with all the might in her body towards the invisible force field that ran the length of the room as it turned into the balcony and the landing pad where Daddy's ship usually sat.

  
But rather than bounce off the field, the toy plane sailed onto the balcony and landed on top of the cushioned seats that ran along the edge. 

  
Bria blinked. The force field wasn't on. 

  
She'd been on the balcony before with Mommy or Daddy, but never by herself. Daddy had told her that it was dangerous and that's why there was the force field, to make sure she never got close enough to the edge to fall. 

  
Bria slowly stood up. She wanted her plane. 

  
It was windy on the balcony and her toy, balanced on the top of a cushion, was in danger of flying off. Bria climbed the seats and stood up. It didn't feel dangerous...until she looked down. 

  
So much space stretched out below her. So much that she couldn't even see the ground it was so far below. She was just about to grab her plane and go when a sudden wind picked up her toy, knocking it off the cushion. Bria tried to grab it, but she lost her footing and stumbled forward. 

  
Something grabbed her and pulled her back. She thought it was Grandpa until she looked up and saw a tall man with dark hair standing on the balcony. 

  
"You shouldn't be out here," he told her.

  
Bria blinked, tears gathering in her eyes, from her lost plane and the very scary feeling that something really bad had almost happened. 

  
"Why are you crying?" the man asked. "You're fine."

  
She sniffed. "My plane..." Tears slipped down her cheeks. "I lost my plane." 

  
"But you didn't fall," he said. "So don't cry." 

  
Bria nodded, holding in her sobs. "Who...who are you?" 

  
The man didn't answer. He just sat on the low bench around the edge of the balcony. "Where are your parents?" 

  
"Mommy is..." Bria gulped for air. "...having a baby." 

  
He nodded for a moment. His eyes looked sad. "Yes, that would distract them, wouldn't it?" 

  
Scrubbing her arm over her eyes, Bria sniffed again. "I'm Bria Bey Dameron," she introduced herself. "Do you have a name?" 

  
"Yes," the man said.

  
Bria waited as long as she could. "Is it..." She searched for a name that she liked and settled on the name of a boy at school. "Jaster?" 

  
He nodded. "You can call me that, Bria Bey." He paused. "BB?" 

  
She lifted her shoulder. "Daddy says that was a happy cobincidence."

  
"Coincidence," he said.

  
"Yeah, because Mommy and Daddy met because of BB-8." 

  
Jaster smiled, but, like his eyes, it was sad. "Oh, I know that." He turned his head and for the first time, she noticed a long scar running down his face. 

  
"You know my Mommy and Daddy?" 

  
Looking back at her, Jaster ignored the question and asked, "Why are you so angry, Bria Bey?" 

  
"I don't want a brother," she said, folding her arms over her chest.

  
"Is that all?" She nodded. "I wanted a brother," Jaster said. "Or a sister. I was mad at my parents for never giving me one."

  
"You can have mine."

  
This time, when he smiled, it wasn't sad. "Thank you, Bria Bey." He stood up. "You need to go inside and get off the balcony." 

  
Right then, Grandpa Kes called for her. "Bria! Come have breakfast." 

  
Bria looked towards the kitchen and asked, "Do you want to stay for pancakes?" But when she turned back around, Jaster was gone. 

  
Grandpa found her a minute later when he came looking for her. Muttering a curse word under his breath, he grabbed her up. "What are you doing out here?! Baby, it's dangerous!" He looked around. "They must have forgotten to turn on the force field when they left." 

  
"The wind blew my plane away," Bria told him. "But Jaster kept me from falling." 

  
"Jaster?" Grandpa asked, carrying her to the kitchen. "Who's Jaster?"

  
"My friend," she told him. "My new friend." 

  
****

  
Her baby brother arrived in the afternoon and after she and Grandpa had supper, they went to the medical centre to meet him. Mommy looked really tired and Daddy was holding the baby, so Bria clung to Grandpa. 

  
"Bria, come here," Daddy said, sitting down on a chair near Mommy's bed. "Come meet your brother." 

  
She walked to him slowly, not really wanting to go at all. But then she remember Jaster. He wanted a brother or a sister, so maybe it wasn't so bad. 

  
"This is Nichos," Daddy said, grinning. "We're already calling him Nic."

  
"Nic," Bria said. The baby in Daddy's arms was pink and almost bald and looked like a squished potato. "He's really small." 

  
"He's got a lot of growing to do," Daddy said.

  
Bria looked at Mommy. She was watching them, but her eyes were half-closed. "Is Mommy okay?" 

  
"I'm fine, Bria-bear," she whispered. "Come here." 

  
"Be careful," Daddy said. "Mommy's very tired and sore." 

  
Crawling next to Mommy in the bed, Bria said, "Mommy, your belly's still big."

  
Mommy nodded. "The baby took up a lot of space. But it will go away." She tucked Bria's hair behind her ears. "Tell me what you've been doing today."

  
"Grandpa made pancakes," Bria began. "And I lost my X-wing." 

  
"How'd you do that?"

  
"It flew off the balcony. I tried to go after it, but..."

  
Mommy looked at Daddy, then at Grandpa. "She was on the balcony?"

  
Grandpa nodded. "The force field didn't go back up and I didn't think to check. I'm sorry."

  
"Not your fault, Dad," Daddy said. "It's mine. We were in such a hurry... But Bria, you know better than to go out there." 

  
"But my plane!" Bria told him. "Jaster was there and he didn't let me fall."

  
"Jaster?" Mommy asked.

  
Grandpa cleared his throat and spelled something that Bria couldn't understand. "I-M-A-G-I-N-A-R-Y F-R-I-E-N-D."

  
"Ah," Mommy said. "Well, even with Jaster, you should never, ever go on the balcony, Bria. Promise me." 

  
"I promise, Mommy." 

  
She snuggled back against Mommy's side and closed her eyes. For Bria Bey Dameron, four and a half years old, the day her brother arrived had been very long and very strange. 

But at least she had made a new friend.

  
****

  
TBC 


	2. The first five years

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything about Coruscant was foreign to Rey and, therefore, completely fascinating. They arrived at mid-day and the sun gleaming off the towering buildings made her think they had landed on a planet of diamonds. There didn't seem to be an inch of space that wasn't taken up--everywhere she looked, she saw something she'd never seen before. It was overwhelming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Characters contained within do not belong to me.
> 
> Author's Notes: So, I was going to keep this story entirely from Bria's POV, but the comments on the first chapter made me rethink my stance and my entire outline. Yes, the story has been outlined and there will be some upsetting things happening (I hesitate to tag too specifically at this point for the sake of spoilers, but be warned). Thank you very much for wanting to keep reading the series!

****

  
“Home isn't where you're from, it's where you find light when all grows dark.”   
\-- Pierce Brown

  
****

  
Bria turned seven months old on the day she, Poe, Rey and BB-8 arrived on Coruscant. Although Rey worried about how their daughter would handle such a long transport, the vessel the Senate sent to collect them from Yavin 4 was so luxurious with such a smooth ride that Bria slept practically the entire journey. 

  
Everything about Coruscant was foreign to Rey and, therefore, completely fascinating. They arrived at mid-day and the sun gleaming off the towering buildings made her think they had landed on a planet of diamonds. There didn't seem to be an inch of space that wasn't taken up--everywhere she looked, she saw something she'd never seen before. It was overwhelming. 

  
Their new house was one of two apartments that made up the 165th floor of a building that housed many senators and government staff. It was massive, with three bedrooms, two baths, a study, a kitchen, and a spacious open-air living room that turned into a wide balcony and a small landing pad. 

  
It was beautiful. It was expensively furnished. It had a full time staff of maids and domestic droids. It was the sort of a place a senator should live in. 

  
It would take a long time before Rey thought of it as home. 

  
On that first night, after feeding and putting Bria to bed in the crib they'd had sent to Corsucant from Yavin 4, Rey found Poe in the master bedroom, standing on the much smaller balcony that the room boasted, watching the sun sink behind the endless buildings that made up the horizon. 

  
She joined him, hooking her arm through his and leaning against his arm until he put it around her shoulders.

  
They said nothing for a long time as the sky grew darker and the lights from millions of windows and neon advertisements lit up the planet. The streams of traffic never ceased; there was an electric buzz all around them that was both exciting and exhausting. 

  
"Do you think," Poe finally said, "that you could be happy here?" Rey drew back a bit to see his face and found his brow crinkled with worry. "Have I done the right thing, Rey?"

  
Rather than giving him an answer, Rey cupped his face between her hands and kissed him. The moment grew more intense and Rey wasn't sure if she pushed Poe back into the bedroom or if he pulled her there, but they fell into their new bed together, without breaking the kiss. 

  
Later, with the night air cooling their sweaty skin as they lay in a tangle of arms and legs, Rey finally answered, "Yes."

  
"Yes, what?" Poe murmured, sex having driven the question out of his mind. 

She chuckled, running her fingers through his curls. "You've done the right thing."

  
"Yeah?" 

  
Rey nodded, propping herself up on her elbow to look down at him. "Did you see the temple when we passed by it? It's..."

  
"Massive?" 

  
"And empty," she said. "Like it's just been waiting all these years." 

  
"Waiting for you," Poe said as he pulled her back down to his chest and wrapped his arms around her. 

  
A long time passed before Rey answered his second question, "I will be happy here." 

  
But Poe was already asleep. Brushing a kiss across his mouth, Rey nestled into his arms and closed her eyes.

  
****

  
By the time Bria's first birthday came around, Rey, with the permission of the Senate, had taken over the cavernous rooms of the ancient Jedi temple. Or at least the ones that weren't crumbling from neglect and old fire damage. 

  
Her first students were local, a handful of Coruscanti children and teenagers who showed sensitivity to the Force. But as word spread that a Jedi master called Rey Skywalker had reopened the temple, Force users from the Core worlds and, then, the Outer Rim, started arriving by the dozens. 

  
A year later, Rey oversaw the training of 106 potential future Jedi. Her days were filled with lessons for the young children and training with the older students who were rapidly becoming masters themselves, not to mention the time she spent at home, taking care of Bria as she climbed over every piece of furniture they had. Poe had installed a force field that ran the length of the open living room, effectively preventing Bria from being on the balcony, but it still worried Rey the more active her daughter became.

  
Poe also tried to be as home as much as possible, but Senate sessions were long and coupled with the endless meetings with the Yavin government and the subcommittees he was roped into joining, it was rare for him to get home before dinner. 

  
So when Rey thought she was pregnant just after Bria's second birthday, neither of them wanted to admit that the timing was terrible. But when it turned out to be a false alarm, and they couldn't hide the relief they both felt from each other, Poe made the decision to visit the medical centre and renew his birth control shot. 

  
Over the next year and a half, it became clear to both Rey and Poe that Rey's instinct about their daughter hadn't been wrong--Bria was Force-sensitive. Rey carved an hour a day out of her schedule to spend with Bria, not exactly training--she was too little for that--but testing her abilities. Hide and go seek was an excellent way to determine if Bria could isolate and locate her mother's presence. Sitting still and focusing was difficult with a wriggly three year-old, but turned into a game, Rey slowly began to teach her daughter to meditate. 

  
Poe's first term ended that year, but he was re-elected without any opposition. Rey was very good at getting out of official senate parties and functions, but she had no excuse on the night of Poe's re-election reception. All she could do was submit herself to a stylist droid who did her hair, makeup and helped her into a dress and shoes that she never would have picked out for herself. 

  
When she emerged from the bedroom, Poe very nearly pulled her right back inside, reception be damned. The entire evening, in fact, was torture as he tried to greet colleagues and friends and make polite conversation while all the while wanting to drag his gorgeous wife into a dark corner and fuck her senseless. 

  
But he waited until they got home. Barely. Thank the stars that Bria was a good sleeper because they weren't as quiet as they should have been as they made love on the low, wide living room couch. 

  
It didn't really surprise Poe when Rey told him she was definitely pregnant six weeks later. Nothing, not even the shot, was fool proof. 

  
****

  
Carrying Bria had its up and downs, but her second pregnancy was so much harder on Rey, made even more difficult by having to be a mother to a four year old. Poe did as much as he could, of course, but that was different, too. There were very few demands on his time and energy when she was pregnant with Bria; now he ran himself ragged trying to keep up with his work, take care of her, take care of Bria and somehow get enough food and sleep to keep going. He even sacrificed shaving and grew a beard that Rey rapidly fell in love with. 

  
Bria wasn't as convinced and it took her a couple of weeks before she would let him kiss her goodnight. "Daddy's face hurts my face," she complained. Although Poe laughed, she could tell that he was glad when the beard grew enough to be soft.

  
Telling Bria about the pregnancy was equally difficult. 

  
"Mommy is going to have a baby," Poe said, with Bria on his knee. 

  
She stared at him and simply asked, "Why?"

  
Poe looked at Rey. They had debated and researched exactly how much of the physical process of reproduction a four year old could handle and settled on the very vague, "Mommy and Daddy love each other very much, so we made a baby in Mommy's belly." 

  
Fortunately Bria didn't ask for any clarification because "how" was a follow-up question that they'd never decided how to answer. 

  
****

  
Rey went into labor a three weeks early. Fortunately, Kes had arrived from Yavin 4 early to help out, because not only was the baby early, he wasn't actually ready to be born. When the medical droids couldn't get the baby to turn, they wasted no time getting Rey into a surgical suite. 

  
Nichos Lee Dameron was so small that Rey was almost afraid to hold him, but when she did, she immediately loved him with an intensity that she had been worried she might not feel, given how difficult the pregnancy had been. 

  
"Do you think I can love this baby as much as I love Bria?" Rey had asked Poe one night, during her sixth month. "Or will I love her less so I can love this one, too?"

  
"Love doesn't work like that," he told her. "You should know that, Master Skywalker." 

  
And he was right. When Kes brought Bria to the medical centre to meet her brother, and Rey saw both of her children together, there weren't enough words to describe the moment. Love wasn't big enough. Their family hadn't been complete without Nic. 

  
"Is Mommy okay?" 

  
"I'm fine, Bria-bear," Rey whispered. "Come here." 

  
"Be careful," Poe told the little girl. "Mommy's very tired and sore." 

  
Rey tried not to wince when Bria climbed onto the bed, jostling her body without meaning to. The incision where the droids had cut Nic out of her body was covered in a thick layer of bacta, but it wasn't healed yet. Rey tried to shield the area with her hand, but that only drew Bria's attention. "Mommy, your belly's still big." 

  
"The baby took up a lot of space. But it will go away." Bria's hair, as always, was a tangled mess, reminding Rey so much of her own hair as a child on Jakku. She busied herself tucking the long locks behind Bria's ears, as she always wanted her own mother to do. "Tell me what you've been doing today."

  
"Grandpa made pancakes," Bria began. "And I lost my X-wing." 

  
"How'd you do that?"

  
"It flew off the balcony. I tried to go after it, but..."

  
Rey's heart nearly stopped. Her eyes darted to Poe and he looked just as shocked. Rey looked at Kes. "She was on the balcony?"

  
Kes hung his head. "The force field didn't go back up and I didn't think to check. I'm sorry."

  
"Not your fault, Dad," Poe said, trying to keep his voice steady as not to scare Bria. "It's mine. We were in such a hurry..." He paused. "But Bria, you know better than to go out there." 

  
"But my plane!" Bria told him. "Jaster was there and he didn't let me fall."

  
"Jaster?" Rey frowned and looked back at Kes. 

  
Clearing his throat, Kes spelled out, "Imaginary friend." 

  
It didn't surprise either of them to hear that Bria had made up a friend. Her imagination was as big as her sense of adventure. 

  
"Ah," Rey said. "Well, even with Jaster, you should never, ever go on the balcony, Bria. Promise me." 

  
"I promise, Mommy," Bria said, snuggling against Rey's body. 

  
****

  
They brought Nic home a week later. By then, Bria was only mentioning Jaster once or twice a day. How he called her by her full name. How he was ten (coincidentally, the biggest number Bria could count to) feet tall. How he'd appeared and disappeared, which, over the course of several days, morphed into how he'd flown onto the balcony and flown back off. 

  
She might have told them about his black hair and the scar on his face, but that information was lost on her sleep-deprived parents. And eventually, Bria stopped talking about Jaster at all. 

  
Because when she turned five a few months after Nic was born, Rey and Poe decided it was time to start Bria's Jedi training. 

  
****

  
TBC


	3. Eight years old

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daddy and Mommy. On that day, both of them should have been there. But looking around the training room, she saw Finn and Rose, the parents of her classmates, her instructor...but the two faces she wanted to see the most weren't there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Characters contained within do not belong to me.
> 
> Author's Notes: So, I made a bit of a boo-boo in the last few chapters. I've only see TROS once and I completely forgot that Ben's scar was healed. So...yeah. I still think that when Poe saw his ghost, he would have seen the scar, seeing the worst in him, no matter how he was healed, but that's as much as I can retcon. We all make mistakes:) Thank you for bearing with me through mine and for what comes next...

****

  
In the back, off the side, far away  
Is a place where I hide, where I stay  
Tried to say, tried to ask, I needed to  
All alone by myself, where were you?

  
\-- Nine Inch Nails, Somewhat Damaged

  
****  
For all of her life, Bria had been forbidden from touching a light saber. She'd watched her mother wield her brilliant yellow blade more times than she could count and been awestruck every time at how easy Mommy made it look. 

  
No one could beat Mommy in a light saber fight, not even Daddy. Not that Daddy used his saber much anymore. It sat on a shelf in his study, tempting, but off limits. Mommy called Daddy Force-sensitive, but he didn't train at the temple. Bria thought he might when Finn, Rose and Safie had moved to Coruscant a year earlier. Finn started working with the older students and Safie had joined Bria's class, but Daddy still stayed away. 

  
"My wife is a Jedi master," Bria had heard him tell another senator one time when he'd taken her to the Senate building. "I just do the paperwork." That must have been funny because the other senator had laughed, but Bria didn't like it. 

  
Being at the temple was becoming such a big part of her life. She wanted Daddy there, too. 

  
Daddy and Mommy. On that day, both of them should have been there. But looking around the training room, she saw Finn and Rose, the parents of her classmates, her instructor...but the two faces she wanted to see the most weren't there. 

  
Bria looked down at the saber in her hands. It hadn't looked so big in Daddy's hands when he'd offered it to her. 

  
_"It's okay, he assured her when she hesitated to take it from her. "I want you to have it, Bria-bear."_

  
_She wrinkled her nose at the nickname. She wasn't a baby; she was eight years old. "But it's yours, Daddy."_

  
_"Then I can give it to who I want, right?" He kissed her forehead, his beard tickling her nose. "Who better than my favorite daughter?"_

  
_Bria rolled her eyes. "You don't have another daughter."_

  
_"I do not," Daddy said, his eyes weirdly red. "Now, you'd better finish your breakfast or you'll miss your ride."_

  
_"Daddy," she asked him, afraid of his answer. "You and Mommy will be there...right?"_

  
_He swallowed; she could see his throat bobbing. "We're going to try, baby. I promise."_

  
Blinking, Bria looked up and scanned the room again, hoping that in the few seconds since the last time she'd looked, they would have arrived. 

  
They hadn't. 

  
Her instructor, Master Zeth, walked to the middle of the room. "Thank you all for coming. This is a very big day for our younglings. As you all know, the light saber is the symbol and the strength of the Jedi, and has been for thousands of years, in times of peace and in times of war. Even in the darkest of times, when the Jedi seemed lost to history, the memory of the saber was a call to action, a legend that inspired others to rise up and fight for a better world. It was a legacy, promising that, one day, with the right leader, the Jedi would be reborn."

  
Bria looked at Safie and rolled her eyes just enough to make the younger girl have to smother a giggle. Master Zeth liked the sound of his own voice.

  
"But it is also a weapon," he continued. "And until now, the younglings in this room have not been ready to wield it. But today, we gather here, family and friends, to watch as they graduate from training tools to the light saber." 

  
Master Zeth paired them off, as usual, and Bria wasn't surprised to be paired with Safie. Although a year younger, Safie was as tall as Bria and in danger of surpassing her in height any day. 

  
"She probably gets it from her mother," Finn said, when Safie's height came up in conversation, but he wasn't talking about Rose. Safie was adopted; her real mother had left her at the medical centre on Yavin 4 when she was only a few days old. 

  
But Safie didn't think of that woman as her real mother. Rose was her mother and Finn was her father and she was tall enough to seem like a threat to anyone who said otherwise. 

  
Bria wasn't afraid of her. Safie might have been tall, but Bria was much, much quicker.

  
"Let's begin," Master Zeth said. "Stand back from your partner and activate your light saber." 

  
The others hesitated a bit, but not Bria. She had watched mother for too many years to be intimidated by it. She pressed the button and a beam of pure white light shot up from the heavy handle. 

  
Master Zeth was watching her and nodded. "Good, Bria. I sense no fear from you." He knelt down and continued in a low voice, "I'm very sorry that your parents aren't here." Bria's hands tightened around the saber's handle hard enough to turn her knuckles as white as the blade. "Master Skywalker sent a message. They're..."

  
"At the medical centre," Bria finished for him. She didn't need to be told. That's where they always were.

  
Master Zeth patted her shoulder before standing up. "Students," he said to everyone. "Let's try the combination we learned last week." 

  
The moves were really simple, but the sound of two light saber blades crashing into each other made Bria grin. It was a really brilliant sound.

  
Master Zeth always said no one could win a training exercise, but Bria knew better. Whoever stopped first was definitely the loser. And Bria never stopped first. 

  
Taking a step back after their third try, Safie frowned. "Bria, you almost got me." She held up her arm and Bria could see a scorch mark on her sleeve. 

  
"Move faster next time," she said, raising her saber again.

  
As they went through the combination again, Bria could see Finn and Rose out of the corner of her eye, following their every move. Finn applauded when Safie made a good move. Rose cheered Bria on when she did the same. Still, for some reason that she couldn't explain, Bria wanted to scream. 

  
A fire burst to life in the middle of her chest and it hurt. It hurt so bad. And the only thing that made it feel any better was to put every bit of strength in her body towards swinging harder, striking faster. 

  
And when her blade touched the exposed skin on Safie's arm and she cried out in pain, the burning in Bria's chest disappeared entirely. 

  
Actually, it felt good. 

  
But it was only a moment of relief because in the very next second, as she watched her friend sobbing, while Master Zeth and Finn and Rose gathered around her, Bria felt like a bucket of ice water had been dumped over her head.

  
All around her, their classmates had stopped what they were doing. If they weren't looking to see if Safie was okay, then they were staring at Bria. 

  
Bria took a step back. Then another. The light saber dropped from her hand. Before anyone could stop her, she ran out of the room. 

  
****

  
She didn't know exactly where she was going; she just kept running. The temple was massive, but most of the rooms were closed off or being repaired. Mommy and Daddy often talked about the temple and how it needed to fixed. 

  
Well, not so much anymore. 

  
One of these closed-off rooms had a sign on it, warning students to stay out, but Bria squeezed through a gap in the floor to ceiling door. The room wasn't really a room, but a long hallway, lined with huge pillars. She stopped at one and sank down to the dusty, frayed carpet, leaning against the cool marble. 

  
Bria tried to keep her tears from coming, but they slid down her cheeks. Drawing her knees up to her chest, she buried her face in her arms. Her sobs echoed down the long, empty hall. 

  
"Bria Bey."

  
The voice was so unexpected that she immediately lifted her head. Blinking through her tears, she could see a man standing a few feet away, clad in black robes. His hair was just as black; it was a bit long around his face. 

  
He was a memory she'd almost forgotten entirely. Almost. 

  
"Jaster?" 

  
"I wasn't sure if you would remember," he said.

  
"Everyone said..." She wiped her face with her sleeve. "...I made you up." Sniffing, she said, "I knew I didn't." 

  
Taking a step towards her, Jaster asked, "Why are you crying this time?" 

  
Bria couldn't stop her chin from trembling. "I...I hurt Safie." When he said nothing, she added, "Safie's my friend, but I...we were training and I..." No, that wasn't right! She hadn't meant to hurt Safie. He had to know that. "She didn't move fast enough...it wasn't my fault!" 

  
The pillar was so wide that Jaster was able to walk to her and sit down next to her, putting his own back against the stone. "You hurt her," he said. It wasn't a question, so Bria didn't answer. "I bet that scared you."

  
Bria eyes filled with tears again. "Yeah."

  
Jaster looked at her. "Because it felt good?"

  
Turning her head away from him, Bria put her cheek on her arm. "No..." 

  
But it was a lie and Jaster knew it. After a moment, she heard him say, "Let me guess. You were angry. At her?" Bria shook her head as much as she could. "Then who?" 

  
"I don't know." 

  
Jaster chuckled. "Yes, you do." 

  
Sniffing again, Bria turned her head to see his face. She could have sworn that she remembered him having a scar; as she studied him she couldn't see it anymore. 

  
"The last time we spoke, it was your brother you were mad at," he said. "Is it him?" 

  
"No!" 

  
Her outburst surprised him, she could tell. Scrambling her feet, Bria looked down at him, the anger building in her chest again. "I'm not mad!" she screamed. 

  
A loud sound, like clap of lightning during a storm at Grandpa's house on Yavin 4, echoed down the hall as a huge crack in the marble pillar appeared over Jaster's head. It wasn't enough to bring the pillar down, but it scared Bria so badly that she put her hands over her mouth. 

  
Jaster looked up at the crack, then back at her. "You have your mother's power, Bria Bey." 

  
At the mention of her mother, Bria hugged her arms around her aching chest. 

  
"Ah," Jaster said. "It's her, isn't it? And your father?" 

  
Bria shook her head, but it was no use lying. Jaster wasn't like any other adult. After a moment, she said, "Daddy promised they'd be here."

  
"And they weren't." She nodded. "They broke their promise." 

  
"They had to," Bria whispered. "Nic needs them." She took a deep breath. Talking about Nic wasn't something she liked to do. "My brother's sick," she said. "Really sick. They're always at the medical centre. With him." She shrugged like it didn't matter. But it did. It mattered a lot. 

  
"My parents broke a lot of promises to me," Jaster said, rising to his feet. "My father missed most of my birthdays. My mother was never home. They always had reasons--a meeting or a last-minute job." He paused. "It doesn't matter what the reasons are; it still hurts." He put his hand on his chest. "Right here."

  
"Yeah." 

  
"I wanted to make other people hurt, too. Why should I be the only one who was? And when you do, it does help. It makes the pain go away."

  
Bria lowered her arms. Everything he was saying was exactly what she'd been feeling in the training room, right before and immediately after she'd let her blade touch Safie. "Yeah..." 

  
"But it doesn't last." Jaster walked to her and looked down. He wasn't ten feet tall, like she'd remembered, but he did tower over her. "In fact, it makes it worse...doesn't it, Bria Bey?"

  
Nodding, Bria could feel herself about to start crying. She closed her eyes in an attempt to keep from sobbing, but right then, she heard someone calling her. "Bria! Bria, where are you?"

  
It was Finn. Bria's stomach churned, like she was about to throw up. Was he mad? He sounded mad. Of course he was mad! She'd hurt Safie. Was she going to be punished? Were they going to take Daddy's light saber away? Maybe they'd put her in another class, with younger students who still used wooden swords. 

  
Bria opened her eyes, wanting to see Jaster, to ask him if she should run away, but he was gone. In the space of a second, he had disappeared, leaving her alone in the endless hallway.

  
She didn't have time to look for him. Right then, Finn managed to crawl through the same gap Bria had, although he very nearly got stuck. "Bria!" he called again. "There you are." 

  
Bria swallowed heavily, but said nothing as he looked around for a moment, then focused on her. "I've been looking for you everywhere." He started towards her; Bria couldn't help but take a small step backwards. "You need to come with me." 

  
"Why?" she whispered. 

  
Finn dropped to his knee to see her better. "We need to go to the medical centre."

  
Horrified, Bria blurted out, "Is Safie okay? I didn't mean to hurt her, I swear I didn't. I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to hit her so hard!" Suddenly, it was hard to breathe. "Is she going to die?!"

  
"What? Bria...no! No, no, Safie's fine, I promise you." Finn put his hands on her shoulders. "Your parents...they just...they need to you to go there now." 

  
Bria hiccuped. "Why?" 

  
Finn's face looked like he was in pain. "I don't know, baby." 

  
She had a thought right then, the absolute worst thing she could think of. Something that she'd heard Mommy say a few weeks earlier. Something that had made Daddy madder than she'd ever seen him. 

  
"Is Nic..." Bria couldn't say the word. It was too horrible.

  
Finn pulled her into his arms and hugged her for a long moment. Drawing back, he stood and took her hand. "Come on." 

  
****

  
The ride to the medical centre was quiet. Safie had a bacta patch on her arm and wasn't speaking to Bria. In the front of the speeder, Rose and Finn kept exchanging worried looks; occasionally, Rose would look back and give Bria a sad smile, so at least she wasn't mad at her, too. 

  
Bria had lost count of the times she'd been to the medical center, so she led the small group through the white corridors until she found the familiar ward. The droid at the desk knew her. "Wait here," it said, pressing a button on a control panel. 

  
A few minutes later, Daddy appeared. Bria wanted to run to him, but something was wrong. Daddy was crying. 

  
Nothing else that had happened that day scared her more than that. 

  
Sinking to the floor in front of her, Daddy reached for her, hauling her into a hug that was so tight it almost hurt. 

  
"Poe?" Finn asked.

  
Holding her even tighter, Daddy just shook his head.

  
****

  
TBC


	4. Just three and a half years

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Poe's only real experience with babies was Bria and everyone told them how spoiled they'd been with her. She'd rarely fussed, she'd started sleeping through the night when she was four months old--she was just generally an easy, happy child. 
> 
> Nic was different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Characters contained within do not belong to me.

****

  
“Another secret of the universe: Sometimes pain was like a storm that came out of nowhere. The clearest summer could end in a downpour. Could end in lightning and thunder.”

  
― Benjamin Alire Sáenz

  
****

  
Rey and Poe's only real experience with babies was Bria and everyone told them how spoiled they'd been with her. She'd rarely fussed, she'd started sleeping through the night when she was four months old--she was just generally an easy, happy child.

  
Nic was different. 

  
He never took to breast feeding; Rey tried and tried, but her efforts left her exhausted and achy with a red-faced infant howling in hunger. Fortunately, he did take a bottle and while Rey tried to be happy about that, she couldn't help but feel that she'd somehow failed as a mother.

  
Nic also wasn't a good sleeper. Rey and Poe took turns sitting up with him, rocking him, singing, reading stories, doing whatever it took to lure him to sleep for an hour or two. It got a bit better as he reached six months, but sleeping through the night seemed like a distant dream. 

  
Still, none of it seemed to be anything serious, nothing more than what a lot of parents went through. So, when they took Nic in for a check up when was nine months old, they were completely unprepared for what his blood tests revealed.

  
"Have either of you heard of Mizra Syndrome?" the doctor asked.

  
Holding Nic on her lap, Rey frowned and shook her head. Instinctively, she glanced at Poe, but he looked just as confused. "What is it?" she asked.

  
"It's a genetic disorder," the doctor continued. "There are two types, both the result of a single faulty gene. One generally doesn't present itself until adulthood, lying dormant until then." He hesitated. "But the other, Mizra...the more serious of the two...it begins to affect a patient from birth. I'm sorry to say...the tests seem to indicate that your son has it." 

  
Rey's stomach churned. She looked down at Nic and he looked back up at her with his father's eyes and a smile that revealed a dimple identical to hers. 

  
"But you can fix it," Poe said, leaning forward. "What do we have to do?"

  
"I'm so sorry, Senator," the doctor said. "There are ways to treat the side effects associated with Mizra, but..." He cleared his throat. "It's incurable." 

  
Suddenly, it was like Rey was underwater. She could hear her Poe talking to the doctor, demanding that he run more tests, to double check his findings. When the doctor agreed, Poe went on, wanting to know every single detail of what Mizra Syndrome was actually doing to their son's tiny body, but it was all muffled. All Rey could feel was Nic, warm and baby soft, so little and perfect. At least on the outside. 

  
Poe's voice pierced the cloud that had enveloped her. "We have a daughter. She's perfectly healthy. How can Nic have this and she doesn't?"

"It's recessive gene," the doctor said. "Your daughter was lucky."

"You said there was another type of this genetic...thing," her husband went on. "Is there a cure for that?" 

  
"Thease's Disease," the doctor said. "No, I'm afraid..."

  
Poe cut him off. "Did you say 'Thease's'?" When the doctor nodded, Poe shot to his feet and walked to the window. 

  
"Poe?" Rey's legs felt like lead, but she carried Nic over to him. "What's wrong?" 

  
When Poe finally looked at her, his eyes were red-rimmed and wet. "This is all my fault."

  
****

  
There was no chance for them to really talk until that night. Bria had been bouncing off the walls when they arrived home and Nic, who'd had a full day of being poked and prodded, was in the middle of a nap-deprived meltdown. Rey disappeared into the nursery to try to feed and calm the baby while Poe fixed dinner for Bria and listened to her tell him absolutely every minor detail of her day.

  
By the time Poe had gotten her fed, bathed and down for the night, Rey had coaxed Nic into sleep as well, with the help of a medicine the doctor had given them, which would help him breathe better in the night. 

  
Poe found her already in bed, on her side, facing the window, her back turned to him. She didn't turn or even acknowledge his presence as he sat on the other side. After running his hands down his beard, Poe tugged his shirt over his head and tossed it aside. When he stood up to unbuckle his trousers, Rey finally spoke. 

  
"Why didn't you tell me before?" she started, her voice low and strained. "How could you not tell me that the disease that killed your mother was genetic?" 

  
Poe took a long time answering. "Rey, I was eight. She got sick and no one told me anything other than that." He walked to the other side of the bed, needing to see her face. Crouching down by the side of the bed, he steepled his hands at his mouth. "Look at me, Rey. Please..." His wife refused for a minute, but eventually her eyes met him. "I didn't know. I swear on everything I have. I didn't know it was genetic...that I could..." Poe closed his eyes as a fresh wave of guilt and agony engulfed him. "I didn't know..." he whispered. 

  
"Does Kes? I mean, he knew what she died of." Rey pushed herself up on one arm. "Did he know that you...that you could pass it on?"

  
"If Dad knew there was a danger, he would have told me," Poe said. When Rey said nothing, he frowned. "Rey, you know he would have." She looked away. "Say you know that." 

  
Finally, Rey nodded. Poe watched as her face crumpled. "There has to be something...some way for me to heal him." 

  
"Honey." Poe swallowed heavily. "This isn't an injury. It's something so much bigger. You heard the doctor; it's his gen..." 

  
"I know!" she shouted with enough power behind her words to make the lights flicker. They only stopped when her shoulders slumped. "But I will never forgive myself if I don't try." Poe reached for her hand, sighing in relief when she let him take it. "There has to be a way," she told him, with the same dogged determination that had captured his attention from the moment they'd met in the middle of a devastating war. "We can fight this."

  
Poe kissed her knuckles. "We will fight this." 

  
****

  
It was a vow they repeated to themselves often over the next year and a half. We can fight this.

  
At first, Nic showed no symptoms other than being less active than they remembered Bria being at the same age. But Bria had always been a ball of energy; she never stopped moving, especially once she was old enough to realize why she was training at the temple, that there was something special about her. 

  
Rey wanted to spend more time with her, teaching her, instead of leaving her initial training to the older students. But she threw herself into the search for a cure, digging through ancient volumes in the temple's dusty library, accessing records in Coruscant's master archives, searching for anything about either of the genetic afflictions. 

  
Poe turned to his fellow senators. Representing a thousand worlds, the Senate seemed like it could be a valuable source of information, so Poe let it be known that Senator Dameron of Yavin 4 was looking for any information on Mizra Syndrome or Thease's Disease. Some people had heard of it. No one had ever heard of any survivors. Poe decided not to share that with Rey. 

  
Things were already tense enough between them.

  
And they only got worse when Nic started having seizures. 

  
****

  
The first one was horrible. They were unprepared for their 20-month old son to start violently shaking in his crib, his tiny limbs taut and flailing.   


Although they knew how to handle the second time in theory, it was just as terrible to watch Nic go through something that they had absolutely no way of stopping. They were his parents, a senator and a Jedi, but when it came to this, they were both powerless.

  
The seizures were a frequent problem, but it was the loss of muscle control that was even more frightening. Almost as soon as he'd learned to walk, Nic started having trouble balancing and there were moments where he couldn't hold things, like a fork or a toy. 

  
They became frequent visitors to the medical centre. Even Bria started to spend more time there, as Nic often needed help in the night, and they were both hesitant to leave her in the care of BB-8 or the service droids. It was already weighing heavily on both of their minds that their time was not equally divided between the children. 

  
When Finn and Rose moved their little family to Coruscant, they helped out as much as they could, taking Bria when a medical checkup or an emergency visit came up, but it wasn't the same. Bria's light had started to dim just a bit. Both Rey and Poe could see it, but they didn't know what to do about it. Deep inside them both, in the dark places that they were afraid to acknowledge out loud, something told them to spend as much time with Nic as possible. 

  
****

  
Nic's third birthday was a good day. He was responding well to the latest medications. Bria was excelling in all of her classes. To celebrate the day, Poe and Rey took the children to the botanical gardens in the old city centre with a picnic lunch. Although Nic couldn't really play, he liked watching his older sister run around, trying to perform cartwheels and hand-stands. 

  
With Nic on her lap, Poe lying next to her on the grass, and Bria running circles around them, Rey almost forgot that there was anything wrong. These were the moments when Maz Kanata's words seemed like a prophecy. 

  
_The belonging you seek is not behind you...it is ahead._

  
This was the belonging. The family she'd wanted her entire life. Poe and Bria and Nic...they were her world. She kissed Nic's head, breathing in his clean soap scent. 

  
"Mama," he said. "Wanna play." 

  
"I know," Rey said, holding him tighter. "I want you to play, too." 

  
Kissing his temple, Rey lifted him up, set him on the grass and hesitantly let go. Poe immediately sat up, watching Nic for any sign of trouble. 

  
For a long moment, it seemed like everything would be okay, that Nic, like all three year olds, would run to his big sister and join in the fun. 

  
But then Nic's legs wobbled and gave out and he landed on the grass. He thought it was funny and looked back at his parents with a smile. 

  
Neither of them were able to return it. 

  
They arrived home as the sun was setting; Poe carried Bria who had worn herself out and was sleeping on his shoulder, while Rey held Nic. Neither one of them wanted the day to end, so rather than put the children to bed, they brought both of them into their room. Poe put Bria on the centre of the bed and laid down on one side of her, while Rey lay on the other side, Nic still in her arms. 

  
"This is everything I ever wanted," Rey said, her quiet voice breaking the silence. "All the years on Jakku, during the war...I just wanted this." She looked at Poe, seeing the same feeling mirrored in his eyes. "We're not fighting hard enough," she whispered. "Poe...I can feel him getting worse." 

  
"So can I," he said, smoothing Bria's tangled hair off her face as she slept. "And Bria...she's growing up so fast and we are missing it, Rey. We are missing it."   


"What do we do?" 

  
"I don't know." He held his free hand out to his wife who took it, lacing her fingers through his. "But everything will be all right. I know it." He squeezed her fingers. "I know it."

  
It was only a few days later that they noticed...Nic was starting to go blind.

  
****

  
Rey didn't know if it was the Force or a mother's instinct, but there came a day when she knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they were going to lose their son.

  
It struck her like a saber blow to the heart as she and Poe sat in the medical centre, watching Nic while he slept. Hooked up to machines that monitored his breathing and kept him from choking, as trouble swallowing was the latest facet of the syndrome, Nic looked even smaller. They were only able to hold his little hands and stroke his face around the tubes and wires. 

  
They had failed. There was no cure. There was no way to fix him; the Force was powerful, but this was a fault with Nic's very genetic makeup. And while Rey would have given her life to try, whenever she really thought about making that sacrifice, she automatically pictured Bria growing up without her mother, just like Rey had. 

  
She couldn't do that to her daughter. 

  
The doctors and the medical droids all urged Poe and Rey to go home at night. If it hadn't been for their daughter, they probably wouldn't have taken their advice, because leaving Nic was excruciating. But they dutifully returned home when the sun set, counting down the hours until one of them could return to the medical centre. 

  
On the night of Rey's realization, after Bria was in bed and Poe was in the bath, Rey went out on to the bedroom balcony. The lights of Coruscant that had once dazzled her were now such a common sight that she barely took note of them. The strong wind whipped her hair around her shoulders and, in that moment, while she was alone except for the sprawling metropolis, Rey let go. 

  
Sobs welled up through her body, racking it, the tears coming so fast that she could barely breathe. She clung to the railing, but eventually she couldn't stay upright and she sank down to her knees, her hands still clutching the rails as she screamed in agony. 

  
"Rey? Rey!" She heard Poe first, then felt his hands on her shoulders. "Rey...honey...what's happened?" 

  
She wanted to lean against him, to take comfort in the solidity of his body and his familiar scent and warmth, but she fought him off. 

  
"Honey, stop...stop!" Poe grabbed her wrists, not hard enough to hurt, but just enough to try to hold her still. "What is it?!" 

  
Rey yanked her hands back. "What is it?" she repeated, barely able to see him through her swollen, wet eyes. "Poe...our son is going to die!" 

  
It was like she had slapped him across the face. Sitting back on his knees, Poe stared at her for a long moment before he started shaking his head. "No. He's not." 

  
Scrambling her feet, Rey looked down at him. "Yes. He is." 

  
Poe followed her into the bedroom. "How can you say that, Rey?" Turning to him, she watched him plunge all ten of his fingers into his hair. "How can you even think that?!"

  
"Because it's true. We have to face it. We have lost the fight!"

  
"No. No, no, no!" Poe shouted, in a tone she had never heard from him before. "He is our son and he's strong and he is going to beat this!" 

  
"He's dying, Poe!" She held her stomach like, if she didn't, she might fall apart. "Our baby is dying..." 

  
"Don't you dare give up on him, Rey!" He pointed at her. "You are his mother...don't you ever give up on him!" 

  
"I'm not giving up!" Rey shouted back. "But there's nothing I can do. I don't know if you can't feel it or if you're just pretending you can't, but he is slipping away. Every time I look at him..." She closed her eyes, fresh tears spilling down her wet cheeks. "I feel it in my heart. The Force that's binding him here...it's fading. It..."

  
"Fuck the Force!" Poe roared. "I'm not going to..."

  
"Daddy?" 

  
Bria's tiny voice from the entrance to the bedroom brought the fight to a crashing halt. Their daughter stood in the doorway, watching them with huge, haunting eyes. 

  
"Baby..." Instantly, his volume dropped. Poe ran his hand down his beard. "What are you doing up?" Before she could answer, he crossed to her and scooped her up in his arms. "Come on. Back to bed." 

  
As Poe carried her away, Rey could hear Bria asked, "Why are you and Mommy fighting?"

  
"It's nothing for you to worry about, Bria-bear," Poe said, but she couldn't hear the rest of his answer.

  
Wiping the tears from her cheeks, Rey walked in the living room. BB-8 sat in his usual corner, where he powered down for the night. However, he beeped at her to let her know he was still active. 

  
"Can you tell Poe...I went back to the medical centre," Rey said, her voice hoarse. BB-8 chirped. "No, I want to be alone." 

  
****

  
The days began to pass in a blur. Rey never came back to the house; the medical centre staff set up a cot for her in Nic's room and that was where she slept. She and Poe never discussed this arrangement and he didn't try to convince her to come home. He visited Nic every day, often bringing Bria, but their conversations didn't go much beyond Bria's constant chatter. 

  
The only real conversation they had was when Rey received notice that Bria's instructor, Master Zeth, was ready to graduate her class to light saber training. 

  
"I promised her I would help her build one," Rey said. She clenched her hands so hard that her nails dug into her palms. She welcomed the pain; she deserved it. "I forgot."

  
"Let her take my saber," Poe said. "I'm never going to use it again." 

  
He was cutting himself off from the Force, but Rey had no energy or willpower to try and change his mind.

  
****

  
The day that Bria would begin her light saber training began like any other. Poe woke up alone, spending the first few minutes of the day staring at his wife's empty pillow. Eventually, he got up, made breakfast and woke Bria. While she was eating, Poe went into his study and retrieved his light saber. 

  
It seemed like a hundred years since Rey had begun training him on Yavin 4. In the first months of their marriage, training had been the best sort of foreplay and most sessions ended up with them having sex in some very odd places. 

  
But Poe hadn't picked up the saber in years. The Force was Rey's territory and now Bria's. 

  
Carrying the saber to the kitchen, Poe sat down next to Bria at the table. "Today is the big day," he said, with as much enthusiasm as he could muster. Which wasn't much.

  
Bria nodded as she dragged her spoon through her oatmeal. "Yeah."

  
"You need a light saber, don't you?" 

  
She shrugged. "Mommy said she'd help me build one." A shadow crossed her face. "But she didn't."

  
Poe swallowed heavily, but he tried to smile. "How about you take this one?" He held it out to her. "It's okay," he assured her when she hesitated to take it from him. "I want you to have it, Bria-bear." 

  
"But it's yours, Daddy."

  
"Then I can give it to who I want, right?" He kissed her forehead, closing his eyes for a moment, thanking the universe that, through it all, his little girl was still strong and healthy. "Who better than my favorite daughter?" 

Bria rolled her eyes. "You don't have another daughter."

  
"I do not," Poe said, blinking back tears. "Now, you'd better finish your breakfast or you'll miss your ride."

  
"Daddy," she said, her voice small. "You and Mommy will be there...right?"

He swallowed again. It hurt to make promises that he knew he'd probably have to break, but he couldn't see the light in her eyes fade. "We're going to try, baby. I promise." 

  
Finn, Rose and Safie arrived a few minutes later to take Bria to the temple. Poe didn't bother cleaning up the kitchen after they left. Something told him he needed to get to the medical centre.

  
****

  
Nic came into the world early, like he wanted those extra few weeks of life. Like he knew his time with his mother and father and sister would be short. And for three years and six months, he made their family whole. 

  
Up until the moment he slipped away, Poe never believed his son would die. He couldn't let himself believe it. Because if Nic died, there was only one person Poe could blame for it. 

  
Himself. 

  
Rey was no stranger to losing people she cared about. Her parents, Han, Luke, Leia, Ben...and now the little boy she'd carried in her body. It was becoming painfully obvious. 

  
Her love was a curse. 

  
Nic came into the world early and he left the same way.

  
And their family would never be the same again.

  
****

  
TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mizra Syndrome is a part of Star Wars lore, however there is very little information on it, so I was free to craft it as I wished. I based it, and Thease's Disease, off of the genetic disorder, Tay-Sachs, which affects infants, but also has a late-onset form that affects adults. 
> 
> Despite this story being emotionally hard to handle, I hope you keep reading. Just remember, I like a happy ending as much as anyone:) Thank you.


	5. Twelve years old

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taking another deep breath, Bria tried to clear her mind, but this was where things always got difficult. How could she not think about anything? There was always too much stuff going on, too many worries she had. Focusing on nothing seemed impossible. 
> 
> Besides...when she focused too well, when she was so deep in her mind that she stopped feeling the floor beneath her...that was when she heard the voices.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Characters contained within do not belong to me.
> 
> Author's Notes: This chapter was a struggle to get out, so I hope you enjoy it. Or, at least, don't hate it:) The next one might be a bit longer in coming as I'm about to celebrate a milestone birthday!

****

  
Stuck on this impossible road  
No idea which way to go  
Whichever path I choose  
I lose, you know  
And I don't know which way's home

  
\- "Home," Sophia Anne Caruso

  
****

  
Meditating was the worst.

  
Seated on the floor of one of the temple's many training rooms, Bria looked around at her classmates, all of them in the same position as her. Legs crossed, hands resting on their knees, backs straight. But unlike her, all of their eyes were closed as they searched for focus. Some were even concentrating so hard (or pretending to be for the instructor's sake) that their foreheads were crinkled in effort. Safie was one of them and Bria had to roll her eyes. 

  
"Bria." She blinked and looked up as Master Zeth approached, his arms folded in exasperation. "Close your eyes and focus."

  
"I can't," she told him. 

  
"It's easier when your eyes are closed." 

  
Once he started walking away, Bria stuck her tongue out at him. 

  
"Bria!" Safie whispered.

  
"What? He didn't see that," Bria whispered back. She looked her friend and sometimes rival up and down. "I knew you were pretending." 

  
"I wasn't," Safie scowled. "Him telling you to focus broke my focus." 

  
"So, it's my fault?"

  
Safie ignored her and closed her eyes, leaving Bria to either raise her voice and cause a scene or let it go, something she knew would absolutely kill her. So she was just about to let Safie have it when Master Zeth approached again.

  
"Bria, I don't want to have to tell you again." 

  
"But..." 

  
Rather than continue to argue with her, Master Zeth spoke to the whole class. "Most of you are now twelve years old. Your youngling days are over. You need to start thinking about the future. These are no longer just exercises; they are tests that tell us who will be advancing and who needs more training." He looked at Bria. "Think about that and focus, everyone!"

  
Safie gave her a triumphant look when Master Zeth turned away. "You know, you're never going to be a Padawan."

  
Bria's eyes narrowed. "Says who?"

  
"No one is going to want to train you. Cause you don't follow rules. I heard my dad talking to your mom."

  
Bria's cheeks felt hot. "That's not true," she hissed. 

  
"You can't even meditate right," Safie said, her tone laced with disgust.

  
"I can!" 

  
Safie closed her eyes and sat up even straighter. "Prove it."

  
Before she could think of a retort, Bria caught sight of the scar on Safie's arm. The scar she had caused four years earlier. 

  
Hot tears stung her eyes. Every time she saw the mark her light saber had left on Safie's skin, she remembered that awful day.

  
The day Nic had died. The day everything started to go wrong. 

  
Bria closed her eyes, hoping she could stop her tears, but it just made them slip down her cheeks. Wiping them away with her sleeve, she took a deep breath, held it for a moment, and released it. Just like her mother had taught her when they used to play the breathing game. 

  
She could so meditate. She'd been doing it since she was a baby.

  
Taking another deep breath, Bria tried to clear her mind, but this was where things always got difficult. How could she not think about anything? There was always too much stuff going on, too many worries she had. Focusing on nothing seemed impossible. 

  
Besides...when she focused too well, when she was so deep in her mind that she stopped feeling the floor beneath her...that was when she heard the voices. 

  
She couldn't remember the first time she'd heard them. Not so long after Nic died. But she remembered how cold she'd felt, the opposite of the warmth she'd felt meditating before. 

  
It took a long time for the voices to make words that Bria could understand. At first, it was just whispers that chilled her to the bone and jerked her back to consciousness. But over time, the murmurs became words. 

  
_You have power...the Force is strong within you...don't let them hold you back...you're better than they are...they fear you...they're jealous of you...the darkness understands you...the darkness needs you...the darkness is a part of you..._

  
_Embrace the dark side..._

  
"Bria!" 

  
Something grabbed her arm and immediately her eyes opened. Blinking, Bria looked up at Master Zeth's extremely concerned face. 

  
"Master?"

  
He let go of her arm, but continued to watch her, as if searching her face for something. "Are you all right?"

  
"I'm fine, Master."

  
"I sensed..." Pausing for a moment, he tried again, "Where did you go in your mind, Bria?"

  
"I was trying to focus," she said. 

  
"You were focused," Master Zeth said. "But on what?"

  
_Lie...don't tell him the truth...he won't understand..._

  
Bria bit the inside of her cheek. It was the first time she'd ever heard the voices when she wasn't meditating. 

  
When she finally replied, her voice shook ever so slightly. "Nothing, Master." 

  
Master Zeth slowly stood up, his eyes never leaving her. After a long moment, he addressed the class. "That's enough for today. You're all dismissed." 

  
Safie poked her shoulder, hard enough to jerk Bria to attention. "What's the matter?" she asked. "You look weird." 

  
Bria shot to her feet. "What do you care?"

  
"I don't," Safie countered, standing up, making sure Bria knew full well--as if she could ever forget--that Safie was two inches taller. "But you didn't move for so long. I thought you'd stopped breathing." 

  
"It wasn't that long," Bria said. "You'd just finished talking when he grabbed my arm."

  
Safie frowned. "Bria, that was an hour ago." 

  
A shiver ran down her spine, but she didn't get a chance to call Safie a liar. Right then, Finn approached them. "Hey girls," he greeted them. "Good lesson?"

  
"Yep!" Safie replied, accepting the kiss he dropped onto her head. 

  
With his arm around his daughter, Finn looked at Bria. "How would you like to have dinner with us tonight?"

  
It had been a long time since since Bria had counted on either of her parents taking her home from her lessons, but it somehow always managed to sting a little bit when she knew that neither of them would be home for dinner, as well.

  
Bria crossed her arms. It didn't really matter, she told herself, but she couldn't stop from asking, "Where are they?" 

  
Finn cleared his throat. "Your dad is stuck in a planning meeting."

  
"And Mom?" Bria held up her hand. "No, wait...let me guess." She put a finger to her temple, as if divining the answer. "Secret Jedi mission."

  
A shadow crossed Finn's face. "Bria, why don't you come home with us? Rose would love to see you." 

  
"I'm fine," she told him. Her eyes narrowed at Safie. "And I don't need you to feel sorry for me!"

  
Safie's eyes widened, then immediately narrowed. "I wasn't!"

  
"Good!" 

  
Finn stepped between them. "Enough." He put his hand on Bria's shoulder. "Come on. Let's get you home."

  
Bria let him lead her, along with Safie, out of the temple, to where people left their speeders and ships. She recognized Finn's, but there was also another one, a few places down. Her mother's. 

  
She was surprised at how quickly she decided to do what she did next. It was so easy. Breaking away from Finn and Safie, she ran for her mother's speeder and jumped into it. The activation code was easy to remember; she punched it in, stood up on her knees in order to see over the dashboard and grabbed the controls.

  
"Bria!" She saw Finn running towards her, but it was too late. She'd already backed up and flown off. Within seconds, she was lost in the endless stream of Coruscant air traffic. 

****

  
Piloting a speeder was no trouble. Her father had been showing her how the controls worked for as long as she could remember. But knowing where to go...that was a different story. 

  
She'd just wanted to get away. She couldn't bear either spending another evening alone with BB-8 watching holovids or having to spend it with Safie and her family. They didn't really want her there, she told herself. Safie sure didn't, and while Finn and Rose were nice, they had to be sick of her. 

  
Briefly, she considered flying to the Senate building and surprising her father, but why not let him wonder where she was for a change? She smiled wickedly as she gripped the controls tighter. Let him spend hours wondering when she'd be home. 

  
She was so caught up in this very satisfying thought that she didn't realize she was drifting out of the traffic lane. It happened so quickly. Another speeder going in the opposite direction was coming at her. Bria barely managed to dive out its way. 

  
The almost accident frightened her so much that she wanted to be on solid ground. As soon as she spotted a landing pad with an empty space, she brought the speeder down. And since she barely clipped the ship next to hers, she considered it a pretty good landing.

  
Bria had never been to this part of Coruscant--it was several levels below what was considered safe--but she'd always been fascinated by the flashing lights that advertised clubs and bars and restaurants. The people were just as brilliant; every shape, size and color of the rainbow, they surrounded her, none of them paying a bit of attention to a human girl. 

  
Except for one. 

  
It took Bria a minute to realize she was being followed, but the further she moved into the crowd, the more obvious the feeling became. Instinctively she felt for her light saber only to remember...she wasn't wearing it. 

  
Still, she wasn't afraid. The walkways were crowded and fairly well-lit from all the glowing signage. She might not have been noticed when she was just walking around, but if she started screaming, someone would pay attention. 

  
"Hey. Hey, little girl." 

  
Bria kept walking.

  
"Hey, I'm talking to you!" The voice got closer; Bria tripled her speed. "Let me talk to you!"

  
Someone bumped into Bria right then, knocking her into someone else. Holding her shoulder, Bria looked around, trying to see who was following her and how she could get away. 

  
"Don't you walk away from me!" The person was angry now; Bria still couldn't pick out a face in the crowd. There were too many people, too many sounds...music from the clubs, the sounds of the traffic and the wind, hundreds of people speaking dozens of languages all around her. 

  
She bit her lip, willing herself not to cry. 

  
When a hand touched her shoulder, she couldn't stifle a scream. She looked at the hand and followed the arm up to face she knew from her dreams. 

  
"Jaster?" 

  
The tall man in all-black towered over her. "You are a long way from home, Bria Bey." 

  
****

  
When Bria remembered the day her little brother had died, she could recall sparring with Safie and wounding her. And she knew she'd run away and that Finn had found her in the derelict part of the temple. But everything from the moment she'd bolted out of class to when Finn had told her they needed to go the medical centre was a blur, lost to the other, painful memories of that day. 

  
Her father breaking down as he hugged her, his tears wetting her shirt. Her mother's lifeless stare as she held Nic, free of any tubes or needles. Nic's little body, so cold when Bria had dared to touch his hand. 

  
Still, Jaster existed in the deepest corners of her mind. Less of a memory and more like a dream she'd had that she didn't want to forget. 

  
"You are real," she said as Jaster guided her to a flat, metal bench outside the crowd. "You're not a dream." She took a step away from him in order to look him up and down with all the wisdom of her twelve years. "Who are you?"

  
The man was quiet for a moment as he sat down on the bench. "If I tell you my name..."

  
"It's not Jaster?"

  
"That's what you chose to call me." He hesitated. "My real name is Ben." 

  
"Ben," Bria repeated. She liked that name even better. "Ben what?"

  
He shook his head. "It doesn't matter." There was an pause. "You can still call me Jaster. If you tell people that we talked." Again, he hesitated. "Like your mother."

  
Bria crossed her arms. "I won't talk to Mom."

  
Ben frowned. "You're angry again, Bria Bey." Before she could ask, he continued, "I can feel it."

  
"Are you a Jedi?"

  
A ghost of a smile turned up the corners of his lips. "No. But I wanted to be. A long time ago." 

  
"Why didn't you?" Bria asked, sitting down next to him. 

  
"Choices," he replied. 

  
"What does that mean?" 

  
Ben was quiet for a long moment. "What has your mother told you about the dark side?"

  
The dark side. Bria's eyes flew open as she remembered the voice. _Embrace the dark side..._

  
"Nothing," she whispered. 

  
He stared at her. "Nothing?" 

  
"Mom doesn't...I mean, she doesn't...train me."

  
"Why?" Ben asked. 

  
Bria shrugged and blinked back tears. "She's really busy." 

  
"And your father?" 

  
"He works a lot." Bria dragged her lower lip between her teeth as she decided just how much to say. "They don't really...talk anymore."

  
"I'm sorry, Bria Bey," Ben said quietly. "I know how that feels." 

  
Looking away in case she lost her battle with her tears, Bria just shrugged again. Eventually, she looked back at him. "What is the dark side?"

  
"The dark side of the Force," he replied. "The opposite of the Jedi. It's the part within all of us where fear and anger and hate live." 

  
Bria swallowed. "It's bad?"

  
"It can be." Ben touched his face for a moment. "If you let it consume you." 

  
"Can you stop it?" Bria asked. Ben nodded. "How?" 

  
He looked at her. "Find that part of yourself. Whatever makes you angry or scared, whatever you fear and hate...let go of it." Ben watched her process this for a moment. "You're angry." She nodded. "But there's also..." He closed his eyes, then frowned "Guilt? What have you done to be sorry for?" 

  
Bria shook her head. "I can't." Ben said nothing; he just waited for her. "My brother...he...he was so sick...and Mom and Dad just talked about him...fought about him..." She lost her battle and tears streamed down her cheeks. "I hated him for taking them away. And then he...then he died..." She drew her knees up to her chest. "And it was my fault because...I wished I was an only child." Dissolving into sobs, Bria barely got out a choked, "Now I am."

  
She felt Ben's hand on her shoulder, patting it. There was no warmth from his hand, but it was solid and, somehow, comforting. 

  
He let her cry for a long time. When she finally lifted her head, he was still there, looking down at her. "Does this mean I can't be a Jedi?" she asked. 

  
Ben smiled, his brown eyes sad. "Jedi have darkness in them. They just make a choice to not give into it." 

  
Bria considered this for a long moment. "I don't want to be angry," she decided. 

  
He nodded. "All right." 

  
Scrubbing at her wet face, Bria sniffed. "I want to go home." 

  
Ben stood up. Without a word, he started towards her abandoned speeder and Bria followed. It was right where she'd left it, but the journey to get there was no longer frightening with Ben by her side. 

  
"Do you know the way?" Ben asked when they reached the vehicle.

  
"Yeah." Looking down at her shoes, Bria went on. "You should come to the temple and train." She dared to look up at him. "You said you wanted to be a Jedi." 

  
"The time for that is long past, Bria Bey." 

  
He indicated the speeder and she reluctantly climbed into it. "When will I see you again?" 

  
Rather than answer, Ben turned around and in the blink of an eye, he'd disappeared into the crowd. 

  
****

  
Her father was home. Bria landed her mother's speeder next to his on the landing pad and braced herself. Even before she'd powered the speeder down, he was already running across the balcony towards her, Finn and BB-8 right behind him. 

  
"Bria!" His tone was a mixture of relief and anger and exhaustion. She slid out of the speeder just as she reached her. He grabbed her shoulders. "Where the hell have you been? Do you have any idea how worried I've been?!"

  
"I'm sorry," Bria said softly. 

  
"Don't you ever run off like that again!" He gripped her shoulders tighter. "Anything could have happened to you! Anything!" 

  
"Dad, I'm really sorry." 

  
"You're sorry?" he repeated. "I've had everyone out looking for you, Bria--everyone! Do you understand how serious this is?"

  
Finn cleared his throat. "Poe, I should get going." 

  
"Yeah...sure." Her father looked back at his friend. "Can you..."

  
"I'll call off the search," Finn assured him.

  
When he walked past Bria heading for his own vehicle, she blurted out, "I shouldn't have run away from you."

  
"No," Finn said. He put his hand on her shoulder. "But I think you've learned your lesson." He glanced at Poe. "If you need anything..." With that offer, he got in his speeder and flew off.

  
When they were alone, her father released her and ran his hand down his beard. "Bria, don't ever do this again. Do you hear me?" He swallowed heavily. "Do you hear me, Bria?"

  
She nodded. With a sigh, her father pulled her against his side, hugging her for a long moment. When he drew back, Bria asked, "Does Mom know?" 

  
Her father shook his head. "No." 

  
"Where is Mom?"

  
With one hand on her back, her father led her into the living room. "Sit down, Bria," he said. Reluctantly, she did as he asked, her eyes never leaving his. "I wanted to tell you this when your Mom was here, too, but...it looks like she'll be gone for awhile. And you deserve to know." 

  
Bria's mouth felt drier than the sands of Jakku in the stories her mother had told her years ago. 

  
Her father crossed his arms, like he was hugging himself. "Bria, your mother and I have decided...we're not going to be married anymore." 

  
****

  
TBC


	6. Four years can change everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Rey, you cannot keep doing this! You cannot shut me out!" 
> 
> "I'm not..." she started to yell, but the fight drained out of her all of a sudden. "I'm not," Rey whispered.
> 
> "You are," he said, cautiously moving around the bed to her side. Sitting down next to her, he reached for her hand. "Whatever you're feeling, you have to know...I am, too." When she shook her head again, Poe blinked. "What, you don't think so? We both watched...watched them bury our son today," he went on, his voice raw and ragged. "Do you think that was easier for me than for you?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Characters contained within do not belong to me.

****

  
“The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It's the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared.”  
― Lois Lowry, The Giver 

  
****

  
Nothing Rey or Poe had been through in their lives--no battle, no fight, no struggle and, for Rey, actually dying--nothing was harder than burying their son. 

  
Although Nic had spent his tragically short life on Coruscant, they chose to bury him on Yavin 4, a place they both considered much more of a home. His final resting place was near the house he had never lived in, and not very far from his grandfather's home. 

  
The day of his funeral was clear and mild, a terrible irony that Poe found hard to reconcile. The sun almost seemed to be mocking him; how dare the weather be beautiful on such a horrible day? It should have been overcast, cold, raining--the entire world should have been weeping. 

  
Throughout the short service at the grave, Bria stood between her parents, a small, silent figure that should have been a reminder to them both of the connection they still shared. In reality, she was a buffer zone separating two people who were becoming increasingly unable to talk without fighting. 

  
Their latest fight was about how long they would stay on Yavin 4 after the funeral. Poe wanted to stay a few days, to spend time with Kes. Rey wanted to leave as soon as possible.

  
The fight had gotten so bad that Bria had squeezed herself into the recharging closet Poe had built for BB-8 and fallen asleep with her arms around the powered-down droid. They found her there, dried tears on her cheeks, and it would have resulted in another fight had Kes not arrived at the house, to walk with them to the funeral service. 

  
"I don't know what to do," Kes confessed to Finn and Rose after the service ended. "I can't even imagine what they are going through, but I can see that they're not going through it together." His eyes were red as he swallowed heavily. "I don't understand why." 

  
Rose put her hand on his arm. "It will get better. They love each other and they love Bria. They'll get through this." 

  
Kes looked at Finn. "You know them better than even I do. Is that what you think?"

  
Finn blew out a short breath. "They've always fought. They used to drive me insane with their constant bickering. But now..." He trailed off as he glanced over his shoulder. 

  
While the rest of the small gathering of mourners had wandered away from the grave, Rey had remained in place. Assuming that Poe was going to join her, everyone had let her be. But she was still alone, staring at the hole in the ground where her son's ashes had been placed. 

  
Finn's gaze swept around the site until he found Poe, standing as far away from the grave as he could have gotten. Bria clung to his side and although he had a hand on his daughter's shoulder, Poe wasn't paying much attention to her as he spoke to a fellow senator and her wife who had come to pay their respects. 

  
Finn looked back at Rose and Kes. "It feels different." 

  
****

  
Kes volunteered to take Bria back to his house after the funeral, for what would be their last night on Yavin 4. He expected his suggestion would meet some resistance, imagining that either or both of them wouldn't want to be separated from their remaining child on the day they had buried their son, but the only protests came from Bria herself. 

  
"I don't want to go!" she cried, throwing herself into Poe's arms. "I don't want to!"

  
Poe embraced her and kissed her head, but his voice was hollow. "Bria, go with your grandfather. Please?" 

  
She looked up at him with teary eyes. "Daddy, let me stay with you and Mommy." 

  
Her plea nearly broke Kes's heart and it looked like it might have worked on Poe, but Rey sat up all of sudden, startling them all. "Bria, you're far too old to be acting like..." She stopped short, took a deep breath. "Take BB-8 and go with your grandfather. Now."

  
Kes wasted little time gathering Bria up and ushering her out the door. 

  
Once they were alone, there was no buffer zone left. 

  
"She's eight years old, Rey," Poe reminded his wife, not even trying to keep the anger out of his voice. "She's a child." 

  
"A child, not a baby," Rey countered. "Do you want to know what I was doing when I was her age?" 

  
Poe stared at her. "Are you actually blaming our daughter for having a better life than you had?" 

  
Rather than answering the question, Rey simply walked out of the room. Poe stood still for a long time, debating whether or not to go after her. Finally, the memory of Bria's shell-shocked face was too much to bear. Tearing through the house, he searched for his wife until he found her in what had once been Bria's nursery. The crib and rocking chair were long gone, having been replaced by a bed, a small table and a chair. It was a room that was just waiting for an occupant. 

  
Rey sat on the bed with her back to the door, looking out the window at a view she'd spent hours staring at while nursing Bria. 

  
Poe approached her, but stayed on the other side of the bed. Although he had a thousand things he wanted to say, he waited for her to speak. 

  
"I don't know..." Her throat closed up and it was a second before she could try again. "I don't know how to do this." 

  
"Do what?" Sinking to his knees, Poe reached for her across the bed, but she twisted her body to avoid his touch. Swallowing back the stab of pain that brought, Poe asked again, harsher this time. "Do what, Rey?"

  
She shook her head. "Nothing."

  
"No, not nothing." Poe stood up. "Rey, you cannot keep doing this! You cannot shut me out!" 

  
"I'm not..." she started to yell, but the fight drained out of her all of a sudden. "I'm not," Rey whispered.

  
"You are," he said, cautiously moving around the bed to her side. Sitting down next to her, he reached for her hand. "Whatever you're feeling, you have to know...I am, too." When she shook her head again, Poe blinked. "What, you don't think so? We both watched...watched them bury our son today," he went on, his voice raw and ragged. "Do you think that was easier for me than for you?" 

  
Rey said nothing. 

  
"You don't get to lay claim to emotions just because you're better at sensing them, Rey." 

  
"And you don't get to decide how I react to our son's death," she snapped back. 

  
Poe squeezed his eyes shut. "I know what you're doing," he finally said. "You think it's my fault he died."

  
"Poe, I never said..." 

  
"You didn't have to," he said, opening his now-wet eyes. "I know you." He looked at her. "Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me I'm wrong, Rey." 

  
Although she never looked away from him, she said nothing. 

  
"Yeah." Poe stood up. "Yeah." Without looking at her, he walked to the door. "I'll take the guest room tonight." 

  
****

  
Rey didn't sleep at all that night. The bed, the same bed where she and Poe had spent so many nights sleeping and talking, laughing and making love, felt cold without him next to her. 

  
She didn't want to sleep. She didn't want to risk dreaming of Nic and waking again to a world where he was gone.

  
In the last hours before dawn, Rey silently slid out of bed, heading for the guest room. The door was open and in the moonlight, she could see the familiar shape of her husband lying beneath a thin sheet. He was asleep, but it wasn't a restful sleep. His brow was furred, as if in anger. One arm was thrown over his head; his hand clutched his pillow. 

  
She watched for a long moment, wondering if she should wake him, wondering what she would say to him. He was so much better with words. She was much better with actions. 

  
Crossing her arms over her body, she pulled off her sheer nightgown, letting it lie where it landed on the floor. Naked, she lifted the sheet and slid into bed next to him. 

  
Rey trailed her fingers down his cheek, over his soft, salt and pepper beard, around his lips. When she replaced her fingers with her mouth, kissing him slowly, he woke with a start. 

  
She lifted her head just enough to see the progression of his thoughts written on his face. Confusion, surprise...desire. 

  
Poe yanked her back down to his chest, kissing her with enough force to make her moan. He rolled their bodies as they kissed, his knee parting her thighs. 

  
As he trailed kisses along her throat, over her breasts, and down her belly, Rey's fingers tangled in his short curls, urging him lower. 

  
She was already ready, but he took his time, making absolutely sure that when they came together, there was nothing but pleasure. 

  
They knew each other so well and it had been so long that, within a matter of minutes, they were both gasping for breath, clinging to each other as the explosion faded. 

  
Poe buried his face in the crook of her neck. "I love you, Rey," he murmured. "I love you so much."

  
With tears stinging her eyes, Rey ran her hands over his sweat-kissed back, soothing the impressions her nails had left on his skin. "That's what I'm afraid of," she whispered.

  
He lifted his head. "What does that mean?" Rey shook her head against the pillow. "Rey...honey..." Poe blinked as she pushed at his shoulders, fighting to get out from under him. "Where are you going?" 

  
She grabbed her nightgown from the floor and slipped it over her head. "I don't know. Somewhere. Anywhere." Crossing her arms over her chest like a shield, she dragged her plump, well-kissed lower lip between her teeth. "You should stay here on Yavin for a few days, like you wanted."

  
Still sitting in bed, Poe ran his hand through his hair. "And what about Bria? She needs you, Rey." 

  
Rey hesitated for a moment, but then steeled herself. "It's just going to be for a few days. She'll be fine." 

  
It took every ounce of her incredible willpower to walk out of the room, leaving him sitting in the tangled sheets while her body still throbbed. 

  
****

  
True to her word, Rey did return after several days of meditating on Ahch-to. Life would never be normal again, but they all slowly discovered a new way of living. Rey went back to running the temple, Bria returned to her classes, and Poe ran for another term, winning the vote easily. 

  
But Nic was always present. He was the first thing Rey thought of when she woke up; the last thing Poe thought of before he went to sleep. 

  
And Bria knew better than to invoke his name. 

  
Poe wasn't entirely sure when Rey moved out of their room. It wasn't something they spoke about or even decided together, but after weeks of spending more nights in what had been Nic's room than in their own, Rey made it permanent by having a bed brought in. 

  
It amazed him how little they were fighting. Whether that was because of Bria or because they had nothing to say, he wasn't sure. It was unsettling. But as the months became years, the less it seemed to matter. 

  
Of course Bria felt it. They both knew it, but neither of them knew what to do to make it better. She had always been a head-strong kid, but as she was growing up, that willfulness was turning into a hot-temper and a short fuse. 

  
"I don't know what to do with her, Finn," Rey confessed to her friend one day after watching Bria's class train.

  
"She's brilliant," Finn reminded her. "So quick and so powerful. She'll be incredibly strong one day." 

  
"Yes, but in a few years, she's going to need to be paired with someone for one-on-one training, and from what I've seen of how she deals with authority figures, why should I expect anyone to take her on?" 

  
Finn grasped her shoulder. "Then work with her, Rey. I think it would do her a world of good." 

  
Rey waved her hand, dismissing this idea. "It's not a good idea. She needs a teacher, not a mother."

  
Lest he say something he would regret, Finn just bit his tongue.

  
****

  
Even after serving for ten years in the Senate, Poe was still shocked when, after the current Chancellor stepped down, his name started to be included on lists of potential successors.

  
He was even more surprised when, after sharing this interesting news with Rey over dinner on one of the rare nights she was home, it prompted the biggest fight they'd had in years.

  
After Bria had been ordered to her room, the fight grew worse.

  
"It's an opportunity!" Poe shouted. "To actually affect change, rather that just discuss it." 

  
"It's a vanity post," she shouted back. "A title that means absolutely nothing unless you take it too far."

  
"Take it too far? What the hell does that mean?" 

  
Rey paced to the other end of the living room, only turning back to him when there was enough space between them. "Nothing good ever came from power, Poe." She touched her chest. "Power corrupts and it...it corrodes...and I am not going to let you go down that path!"

  
Poe ran his hand down his beard. "Rey, dammit...I am not your grandfather!" He approached her. "You think I'm going to become some Palpatine, sitting on a throne, pulling everyone's strings? Does that sound like me? At all? Rey..." He reached out his hand to her. "Come on. You know me."

  
She looked at him with dry eyes. "Do I? I did once. But that Poe...he didn't care about titles or the power that came with them. He just wanted to make the world better."

  
Poe dropped his hand, his voice growing hard. "And you think I've lost that?" A few minutes of silence passed. "If that's true, then you shouldn't be with me anymore." 

  
Rey hand fell to her stomach, pressing against her flesh like she was holding herself together. "If that's what you want."

  
"None of this is what I want," Poe said. "But we can't go on like this. And I think you know that." 

  
Another few painful minutes dragged by. Rey looked down at her shaking hands. After a moment, she swiftly slipped the ring off the third finger on her left hand and held it out to him. 

  
Poe's throat bobbed. He tried to speak, but he could only shake his head. "Keep it," he eventually managed to say. "It'll never be anyone else's." 

  
****

  
TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was, without a doubt, one of the hardest chapters to write on any story that I have ever written, not only because of the global pandemic currently gripping all of us with varying levels of fear, anxiety, grief and frustration, but also because it is very, very hard to write a believable breakup of two characters you just want to see happy. 
> 
> But, as if I have said from the beginning (and this might be a spoiler, but oh well), I believe in happy endings. Please stick with me. I won't let you down. 
> 
> In the meantime, I hope you and your loved ones are well. Stay safe and take care of each other.


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